HELL IS FOR HOUSE FLIPPERS
In hell, you will live in a house
with gray vinyl plank flooring
in every room.
The Devil will be as committed to finding new ways to torture you in the afterlife
as you were committed to cutting corners
while flipping houses on Earth.
As punishment for your crimes against kitchen remodels–
The Devil will waterboard you
over the gigantic farmhouse sink.
For all those those times you suffocated brick
by painting it–
The Devil will suffocate you,
using a $29.99 HomeGoods pillow
embroidered with “Live, Laugh, Love”
For your egregious misuse of shiplap and wrought iron light fixtures–
The Devil will Clockwork Orange your eyes open
and make you watch hours upon hours
of HGTV.
He will burn you in the brick fireplace
you insisted on painting white.
He will bash your head against the wood paneling
you insisted on painting white.
And he will crush your head into the original hardwood floors
you insisted on painting gray.
The Devil will punish you as the gods punished Sisyphus,
except instead of pushing a gigantic boulder up a hill,
you will have to push an obscenely heavy gray flat pack couch from Amazon
up the stairs.
And if your real estate crimes were especially heinous–
If you were flipping houses to turn them into Airbnbs–
The Devil will curse you with food poisoning
at a party with everyone you know in attendance
and banish you to the guest bathroom,
the one with those flimsy sliding barn doors.